Reddit users:
Help others find this story. Push the up arrow! Thanks

Share and Enjoy:

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 

add to favourites

email to friend

print this article

Nation's Poor are Still Playing Call Of Duty 2

Thousands of low-income Americans continue to play the outdated, graphically-deficient videogame Call of Duty 2, according to a new report released today by the Videogame Poverty Action Group.

“I’m tired of looking at these crappy pixilated graphics,” said Nick Giaritta, an underpaid biologist from Ramsey, NJ. “And I’m tired of having the only people to play with online be Southern hillbillies and gangsters from Compton. Their accents are annoying, they curse too much, and they’re all way too good at shooting for some reason.”

The study, which gathered its data by compiling the IP addresses of all Call of Duty 2 gamers during a single night, confirmed Giaritta’s observations – 84% of all players came from poverty-stricken areas such as Birmingham, Alabama and Flint, MI.

“Whoo doggie! I got another one!” said Georgia hick Bubba Tucker, while playing the inferior Xbox game on his non-plasma television. “Can’t nobody snipe like ‘ole Bubba! Hey ma! Bring the kids! Come look at how good daddy kill people on the TV!”

The Videogame Poverty Action Group, a faction made up of ex-poor gamers, said they contacted penniless gamers from all around the country to gage their dissatisfaction with their current gaming platform. While some (such as Bubba) were happy just to have an Xbox, an overwhelming majority expressed anger and frustration at their inability to upgrade to the incredible, eye-popping graphics of Call of Duty 3.

“I be banging fools with my medic shotgun, son!” said Cincinatti, Ohio resident Jermaine Porter. “Motherfuckers better hope I never get an Xbox 360, cause I’ll cap every one of those rich fools as soon as they spawn.”

In addition to informing the country of the dire situation of America’s destitute gamers, the Videogame Poverty Action Group pledged to push members of Congress to pass legislation which would provide Unified National Gamecare for every citizen.